"Bad things happen to good people." I have been thinking about this phrase a lot over the past few days. As many of you know, I had a miscarriage in February. Well, I found out at the beginning of May that I was pregnant again. James & I were both happy, but having a hard time getting excited about the pregnancy having gone through the miscarriage. So, we decided to only tell our family, community group, & close friends. We started getting excited about another baby and planning for growing our little family. We began looking at bigger vehicles to better fit multiple car seats & started discussing moving into our bigger investment property when our tenants lease is up in a year. The first few doctor's appointments, I was so nervous and holding my breathe the whole time. However, we started to relax & really get excited about the pregnancy when we were able to see the little heart beating.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Then, on Tuesday our daughter's 3rd birthday, I began having another miscarriage. I was trying my best to hold it together for my daughter, but it was so hard. I felt horrible because Abigail knew something was wrong with me. She even blamed herself and told my mom that I was upset because she had pooped in her panties. My poor little girl was blaming herself for my pain. I spent the next evening in the ER thinking for sure I was going to bleed to death, probably too much information. The next morning was the first morning for James & I to wake up without Abigail being in the other room. We had never spent a night away from her since she was born. Well, I guess I should technically say we had never spent a night away from her since leaving the N.I.C.U.
Going through this pain again has been so hard. I'm so thankful for all the support from family & friends. I have realized that sometimes when you don't know what to say to someone, it's probably best not to say anything or just say "I'm sorry for your pain." The person who said something that had the most meaning told me " I know there's nothing I can say to make you feel better." It's funny how people would say how much hardier two is than just one as if I were ignorant enough to think it would be a piece of cake. My one child can be difficult at times, but I still love her more than words can express. I grew up with siblings and can't imagine Abigail growing up an only child. I have learned that sometimes it's better not to say anything even if your heart's in the right place.
The last few days have been an emotional roller coaster because as my heart is breaking over losing another life, but I needed to pull it together to celebrate my daughter's life. I had to push through and get ready for Abigail's birthday party on Saturday. I didn't feel prepared at all and was doing everything at the last minute. I was feeling guilty for just feeling like I was going through the motions even though mentally & emotionally my heart was somewhere else. My precious daughter had a wonderful birthday despite everything else that was going on around her. This was the first year for Abigail to understand that it was her birthday & she had so much fun celebrating with her friends. How I miss that sweet child like innocence sometimes.
I didn't announce on facebook that I was pregnant or blog about it for fear of having to tell everyone I had miscarried again if that happened. However, as I was at church this morning and people asked me how I was doing, I couldn't bring myself to say the usual "good." Frankly, life kinda of sucks right now and there's just not a better way of putting it. I don't like holding in my pain and I've always been an open person. So, I decided instead of just putting on a happy face as if everything were fine, I was going to be honest and share with those my pain if they cared enough to ask how I was doing. One of my sweet friends said as I became all emotional telling her, "it's okay to cry, we are family." Todays message at church was on the church as a family and how as brothers & sisters in Christ we are all a family. Okay God, I hear you!
I'm a planner and I'm not a patient person at all. I always dreamed of being a wife & a mom and staying at home with a house full of kids just like my mom. I struggled being single several years ago before I met my husband. When my husband & I started dating, we said we would date for at least a year before getting engaged. I started growing impatient wanting to be engaged like all my friends. My Dad told my husband to make me wait for the ring and James listened to my Dad. At least, James knew what he was getting himself into when her married me. I never imagined finding someone so amazing to share my life with. Then, when James & I became parents and our lives changed again. I never imagined the instant unconditional love that you have for your child. So, when we decided to start growing our family again, I expected it to just happen like I planned. So, right now I'm struggling with the anger & bitterness of things not going the way I planned on top of the physical & emotional pain of miscarriage.
I need to remember that it's not my will, but HIS. I need to stop getting so caught up in my own plans for my life and more fully pursue the plans that God has for me. I'm sharing my story because it's therapeutic for me, but I also want others to know what's going on with me and because I know there are people in my life who have felt this same pain. Please pray for the healing of our broken hearts & for us to more fully pursue God's will for our family. I may not understand why I'm going through this pain now, but I know someday I will look back and completely understand why I had to go through this pain.
Psalm 73:26 "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."