I have been wanting to sit down and blog for a while, but haven't found the time. It's been a difficult time for me over the last month or so. I have been really grieving over this last miscarriage. Just when I think I'm doing okay and getting over it, I'm overcome with emotions. A few weeks ago at church, I was overcome with emotion and my sweet husband asked me what was going on with me when we got in the car. I couldn't even really put my feelings into words. I have to tell myself that it's okay to grieve and that grief is a process. I have lost loved ones to death, but I've never had this amount of grief before. I had a very hard time the weeks immediately following the miscarriage. I felt like I was being suffocated and it was difficult for me to function and move forward. The first miscarriage drug on so long physically, that when the physical part was over, I was emotionally ready for it to be over. This last miscarriage came out of no where and we had heard the baby's heartbeat so we didn't think we needed to worry anymore. This miscarriage was physically over with so quickly that I've been having to catch up emotionally. It's hard to think about the fact that if I was still pregnant from the first pregnancy, I'd be having a baby in a little over a month from now. I am surrounded by pregnant women & and am learning every day of someone else who is pregnant. I came to a breaking point where I realized I didn't want to become bitter & angry or resentful for not being blessed with another baby. Instead I got on my knees and got real with myself and with God.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
I began really seeking God's will for my life and my family. I started seeking God to fill that void. I picked up a bible study that I had started a few years ago about becoming a virtuous woman. The study really opened my eyes to the fact that I had become an "almost dead Christian." I think that many of us who grew up in the church and became christians at an early age can easily end up in this situation. We go to church every Sunday, serve in our church, and are involved in bible studies. We allow ourselves to get so preoccupied with being the "perfect christian" that we forget about the true meaning of what being a christian means and how much Christ just wants a personal relationship with us. My desire is to become more like the Proverbs 31 woman, which can only happen by spending time daily in God's word and in prayer. I know that God doesn't want me to feel guilty if I don't have my quiet time everyday, but God wants me to desire to spend time with him.
I started making my quiet time a priority again. As soon as Abigail goes down for a nap, I put my cell phone on silent, turn the t.v. off and put the computer away. I don't have a clock in the room, so I can't be distracted with the time either. I dive into God's word and spend time in prayer. It's been so amazing to see how God has been working in my life. I prayed for God to heal my broken heart. I have an overwhelming sense of peace that only comes from God. I prayed for God to help me seek opportunities where he could use the gifts that he has given me. God provided a situation the very next day where he used me to minister to a friend who is struggling with her own trials. I am in awe of how amazing our God is and I love those moments in life where you can literally feel God's presence.
I have been reading a book called "Hannah's Hope," which is a book that was written for those seeking God's heart in the midst of fertility, miscarriage, and adoption loss. I would recommend this book to any women and men dealing with these situations. The book provides personal stories, but also provides biblical knowledge and application. I have really enjoyed how God has been speaking to me through this book. I also listened to an online message from Gregge Matte at Houston's First Baptist Church. He did a message a few months back called Empty Womb, Full Heart. I would encourage you to listen to the message if you're struggling with these issues. He did a wonderful job explaining that having a child is not a right, it's a gift from God. He also reminded me of the fact that I'm complete in Christ. I'm complete in HIM! I was created by God and for God. My purpose in life is to honor and worship him in everything I do. He encouraged us to ask "why?" leaning forward seeking God's will.
I wanted to share this journey with my fellow blog readers. I just wanted to be real and honest about what's been going on in my world. I am seeking and praying for an older wiser spiritual mentor who will hold me accountable. I have always been told the importance of an accountability partner, but have never found one. I think it's been the fear of allowing myself to be vulnerable to someone. However, I'm at the place in my life where I'm ready for that challenge.
Psalm 139: 23-24 "Search me O God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there are any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."