Wednesday, March 30, 2011

New Perspective

Being on bedrest has been an eye opening experience for me. I've had all kinds of emotions along this journey. First of all, I'm so thankful that I can at least get out of bed. My doctor would like for me to be laying down or as he would say "horizontal" most of the time. However, I sit more than I lay because it's more comfortable for me. Sitting is more comfortable because I have horrible reflux/indigestion. I continue to monitor my blood pressure at home & my blood pressure is stable. I have been able to get out of the house for short little outings here & there. However, I do see a difference in my blood pressure on the days I have gotten out of the house. My blood pressure is not high, just higher than what it is when I'm resting. I'm thankful that what's working for my family to abide with this whole bedrest thing is working for my body. I'm so thankful that I'm not having contractions or any other signs of preterm labor.

I have had feelings of guilt for all the times when I could have helped friends who were sick/had babies/on bedrest/death in the family/etc. & I didn't make the time in my schedule to visit them or take them a meal. We all have busy lives, but we all have time to reach out and help others. It all comes down to prioritizing. In the same way we make excuses for not making time for a quiet time because "we don't have time." We all have time, it's how we choose to prioritize our days. For example, I'm wasting time right now sitting here typing this blog when I could be writing thank you notes that I need to get mailed. We all take time to watch t.v. at some point during the day. And I'm sure we all at some point during the day get on facebook and waste time or waste time searching the internet. My point is that if we're really being honest with ourselves, are we really doing something productive during every minute of our days? The answer is "NO!" Trust me I am guilty of this too and have really been convicted of how I've prioritized my life. I have also felt guilty for the burden that's being put on James & my mom for all the responsibilities they are taking care of because I can't. My mom has been busy taking Abigail to & from preschool, dance, & gymnastics. James works all day & then he comes home and has to figure out what he's going to make for dinner. Then, he has to clean the kitchen, do the laundry, do the grocery shopping, & tend to Abigail. I feel guilty for not being able to be the Mom I want to be for Abigail. Thankfully, Abigail understands that the Dr wants Mommy to rest so baby Jacob can keeping growing in my tummy. Although, she's beginning to get inpatient and asks everyday if it's time for baby Jacob to come out.
I have felt isolated, lonely, & depressed at times. The weekends have been the most difficult for me because it's more quiet around my house. James goes to the farm on Saturdays. He has to go check on the cows & it's relaxing for him. My mother-in-law usually takes Abigail for the morning on Saturdays & brings her home in time for her nap. Sundays are difficult because I'm home by myself all morning while James & Abigail go to church without me. I felt it was important for Abigail that she keep her schedule & routine. I didn't want my family to have to stay home just because I couldn't leave the house. I listen to the podcast from the week before while James & Abigail are at church. After we eat lunch & put Abigail in her room for a nap, James & I spend time discussing our notes from the sermon the week before.
I have felt so loved by so many friends who have come to visit me or brought me a meal. The visits from friends give me something to look forward to & helps the days go by faster. Of course, the meals are always helpful. I've been able to reconnect with friends during this time and gotten a chance to know new friends better. A Sunday school teacher from when I was in the youth group whom I've reconnected with through facebook brought me dinner one night, what a treat! Two of my friends who know me well insisted on bringing dinner. It's just been very interesting to see who in my life has stepped up to help encourage & support me during this time. Like I said at the beginning of this post, it's been an eye opening experience. I'm not writing this for pitty, I just simply wanted to document my feelings.
On another note, I'm almost 33 weeks pregnant! Yay! My personal goal was to make it to 34 weeks! Anything beyond that is just icing on the cake! Although, I would like to make it to my scheduled c-section at 38.5 weeks! We'll see how long my doctor wants to keep me on bedrest/house arrest.

1 comment:

andie said...

I am in awe of God's sweet protection of this pregnancy for you Ashley! I can't imagine how frustrating and helpless you must feel. I struggle asking for help myself. You have so many that love you and have been praying for you and you have been an awesome example of someone who trusts and leans on God. Thank you for being so transparent and for letting me share in your journey. God bless you! It's not long now! :)